I was being chased...by BURN-OUT!
It has been a while since I blogged. I was feeling conflicted.
Do I write without my heart in it and go through the motions because I committed to myself to be consistent, or do I take a break to find my mojo?
I was not feeling creative plus I was feeling overwhelmed.
I was struggling to find the balance of being present for my family and following my calling as a writer and healer. As a “doer” I did not take into account the energy major life events take and how they were sucking the life out of my love cup (and creativity).
But, I kept pushing until I realized I was burnt-out. So, as a result, I wrote this-
I felt you. I saw you lurking in from behind, creeping with a stare that you don’t think I noticed. You were not overt or friendly. You were not respectful enough to be direct and tell me what you needed. You are cunning, baffling, and silent. I felt your presence in the air as it thickened and distorted my perception with a film of jadedness and overwhelmingness. You pulled down from the atmosphere like a dark, dewey, humid day sucking the joy out of the light. You created a wind like an undercurrent pulling in thoughts of doubt and uncertainty.
I heard you. You thought I didn’t because I usually block you out with preoccupation and busyness. I justified taking on more and more tasks as “needs”. I ignored you with denial until getting away from you was like sludging through quicksand with desperation and despair.
Burn-out, you no longer serve me as a protectant to my fear of not doing enough or being enough. I have hidden behind you before to avoid the pain of emptiness or void.
You can no longer seep in when I am not grounded. You can no longer squeeze in the cracks when I do not healthfully make choices that are good for me and leave me balanced. YOU can no longer attack me to perpetuate shortness of my nerves or reactiveness to be an a**hole in relationships or fuel financial insecurity.
I heard you…One more session, one more floor to clean, one more page to write, one more dollar to make, one more workout to get in, one more project to complete, one more person to please…I got it, I understood your message. I can now respect your voice.
You recently followed me on my vacation. It took days for the stern echo of your voice to dissipate. You had me thinking I had to vacation perfectly and know exactly what my future should be with the perfect plan to conquer the world.
I saw YOU that night. You did not think I did. I was driving in the dark. I was feary (weary+fear). The road ahead figuratively and literally seemed uncertain and undefined. It was as if I risked falling off the side of the road at every turn. But then I heard a sharp and assertive voice, “You don’t have to know what is up ahead. You just have to look straight in front of you”.
Looking back only distracted me. Trying to look too far ahead overwhelmed me. In driving and in life I only need to know what was two car lengths ahead.
Burn-out, see me, hear me, FEEL me–you no longer have the power–I do!
This letter to Burn-Out may seem dramatic. And yes, I am ok, I am not suicidal or losing my shift. I am real. I am just saying what we all think and are often too scared to admit out loud.
The moral of the story is, we are all human and we show up in the best way we can. The key is having grace and to keep showing up in an imperfectly perfect way.
I don’t have it all figured out, but I do see the strength in honoring myself and having increased awareness of what I need to keep my SHIFT together.