Dear my peeps or anyone that has ever felt vulnerable?
I wrote a journal/planner, (un)workbook, and a dream manifestation book. It was published 2 months ago. For several years, I have used this system–it has evolved over time. I thought it would be a cute idea to make “a little” word doc spiral notebook out of it for me and my peeps. I don’t do anything little and cute, and it turned into something grand. I did not know it was going to be this THING–like be really cool. But then, I didn’t NOT know it was going to happen. I manifested it. I wrote it down on paper, described it, pictured it, did a mockup, pretended, used construction paper and crayons, made a fake one hoping someday it would happen! And now people are sending me messages and texts describing THEIR great experiences with it and bonus–Amazon KDP is sending me a royalty check A.K.A., I am getting $$!
I think about other times I went through the motions of LIFE and SHIFT happened.
In December/January 2020 we took a family vacation to North Carolina. All kinds of craziness was going on in our world. The spirit moved me and I declared (my husband thought I lost my mind) that we were moving to Asheville, NC. I did not have a pre-plan to move, but I did not NOT know. For years I globally traveled, interviewed for graduate schools and applied for internships outside of Florida, and clipped pictures of glorious mountains on vision boards.
Two years ago this weekend I packed up our house, loaded up our car with 2 kids, 3 dogs and pulled a UHAUL full of clothes to NC. I had no idea our house would have multiple offers in 3 seconds and the heavens of Asheville would open up and welcome us! But, again, I didn’t NOT know that would happen. I did the leg work, I leaned in and took the chance.
S.H.I.F.T. Powerful Planner and Journal for an Unapologetically Kick Ass Life was a development that grew out of a dream of mine to write a book. But see, this is not “THE BOOK” I was planning to publish first. “THE BOOK” I was planning is still happening, but it did not show up exactly how I expected, but the power of writing “THE BOOK” inspired more.
In addition to “THE BOOK” being in final editing phases and S.H.I.F.T. out and available, I keep feeling compelled to shout out, explain and spread the word about what S.H.I.F.T. is and how it can be of value. So, I have been doing that, the best I can, which never feels enough or good enough in between LIFE-ING (mommying, psychologizing, house renovating, RVing, and keeping my SHIFT together-ING!)
The F in S.H.I.F.T. has been heavy and preoccupying my mind. The F is supposed to stand for FINANCIAL but the biggest word that keeps coming up for F is F*ck It! I can’t even wrap my mind around financial security, organization, or goals when I literally gasp for air with financial anxiety and insecurity in the midst of renovating a house and seeing money vanish into thin air!
My F is on fire with all the past financial inadequacies and traumas on high alert. F is for freaking out and failure and fraud and F*ckin unrealistic budgets and F*ckin financial pressure to keep up with the Jones’. (Before anyone goes getting all worried about me and calling to do an intervention–I am not in jeopardy of committing financial suicide and I am not depressed. I am only writing out loud what probably you (if you admit it) and everyone else is thinking, but too scared and ashamed to SAY!)
So needless to say, living in an RV (for the first time) while our house is being renovated has me all kinds of messy. My F ain’t the only thing out of whack! Like Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, my foundation is out of balance. Spiritually my walks and ways I connect are different. Healthfully I am improvising to do exercise and eating differently than my usual, sleeping with 5 sets of nostrils very close to me, and forget about making a hair appointment right now! Interpersonal time is non-existent other than momentary 5am wake-ups and relationships with my squad that are NON stop! Then there is financial–I will spare you the repeated rant! Trade is on autopilot (Thank God) with intentional cutbacks to stay at the top of my game and not completely lose my SHIFT!
Being out of whack comes with VULNERABILITY. It has me questioning and doubting with my ENOUGHITIS on overdrive. Should we have bought this house? Should we spend the money to renovate it? Is having my kids living in an RV what is best for them? Have I put too many changes on my kids; moving during a pandemic and now out of their house? Am I focused on my business enough with all the distractions? Am I doing enough to promote S.H.I.F.T.? Am I taking good enough care of myself? Will my kids (and husband) hate me forever because MOMZILLA rears her head out with insanity, insecurity and frustration? I feel raw and exposed in so many ways.
What is crazy is how in the midst of my current panic, the chances I took of moving and publishing a book have faded in the distance. Those scenarios, like now, had SO MUCH FINANCIAL RISK-EMOTIONAL RISK AND VULNERABILITY–but I did them! I freaked and did them anyway.
See, for too much of my life, I thought vulnerability, mushiness, or emotion meant weakness. I was scared to be VULNERABLE.
I still feel the same things, but what I have learned is it is time to let the little girl inside of me know, I get her pain. And she is okay now. SHE IS SAFE.
The freak-outs, the doubt, the fear–it is not about the current situation, it is about my brain remembering old stories, old memories and reading them as the current truth. But it is not TRUTH, only past stories.
I know now (most of the time!) my ability to be authentic, raw, emotional, and sometimes messy is VULNERABILITY. This vulnerability is strength. This vulnerability is my strength that leans in to move, and write books, and renovate houses and live in RV’s and cry and SCREAM and sometimes be MOMZILLA! It is THIS vulnerability that lets me be alive and CONNECT.
My vulnerability is the fire burning in my soul. I kept thinking the fear would dull, but it only blazed my passion stronger. I was imprisoned in my own passion. But now, my vulnerability fuels connection and SHIFT.
YOUR vulnerability is the fire burning in YOUR soul. YOUR fear is past stories and blazes YOUR passion stronger. YOU were imprisoned by YOUR own passion. But now, YOUR vulnerability fuels connection and SHIFT.
What does vulnerability mean to you? How do you define it? What SHIFT are you ready to lean into? What is in your way?
Your No bull-shiFt, VULNERABLE, mental fitness, advice giving, S.H.I.F.T. Powerful Planner and Journal for an Unapologetically Kick Ass Life author, shame abolishing, health advocator and doer,
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